Sunday, April 09, 2006

Why I Hate Koala Bears

Everyone thinks Koala Bears are cute and cuddly, but I hate them. First of all, they aren't really bears. They are marsupials. I don't have anything against marsupials but you should never trust an animal that pretends to be something it isn't. Panda Bears are cute too, but they aren't bears either...they are raccoons. In my book, raccoons are evil and a raccoon the size of a Ford Festiva is even more evil. If Koalas really wanted to be bears they should at least try to eat some honey.

Many people would like to hug a koala because they are so cute. Well, have you ever looked at a koala's hands!? They have huge sharp, razor-like claws that would pierce into your flesh if you tried to hug one of those things! That's not fair! You're just trying to show the koala a little love and he digs into your internal organs. That just doesn't seem right.

Koalas also have two thumbs on each hand! What do they need four thumbs for!? People have gotten along with only one thumb per hand for years, and we're doing fine! The extra thumb is probably for extra grip when the koala is digging into your skin and drawling blood while you're trying to hug it!

Koala bears live on a diet of eucalyptus leaves. Eucalyptus leaves contain dangerous poisons and toxins that make them inedible to most mammals, but the cute ol' devil koala has no problem chomping them down. Perhaps the most telling sign of the koala's unearthly powers.

Then let's get to the beak thing. Is that a beak or a big nose? I'm pretty sure it's a beak and I don't think animals should be allowed to have beaks. Animals are pretty careless with their beaks and have no respect for human eyes. Why do you think so many pirates wear an eyepatch!? True, it's their own fault for putting parrots on their shoulders, but you'd think a parrot would be a little more respectful to someone who gives him crackers all day! Either way, I'm not getting anywhere near a koala mouth anytime soon.

In summary: Koala Bears - liars, two many thumbs, immune to acid, irresponsible with beaks, and sent straight from the devil! Next time you go to hug a koala bear and you get ripped to shreds, don't say I didn't warn you!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

They're great in a smoothie though! Mmmmm! Koala over ice

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