Hollywood Barbie

It's been announced that after 50 years as America's favorite plastic doll, Mattel's Barbie is headed to the big screen in live-action form for the very first time. An animated Barbie has already appeared in over a dozen direct to DVD movies, and she had a small role in 1999's Toy Story 2 but this new project will truly be the first "Barbie Movie".

I've spouted off before about my dreams to one day make a Yogi Bear movie or a Monopoly movie. Barbie is another property that I wanted to translate to the big screen. It's not that I'm a Barbie fan - I've never owned a single Barbie doll, ok...maybe I read an issue or two of her short lived comic book when I was younger, but honestly I'm not a Barbie fan. What interests me about Barbie is how much staying power she has had and what little there really is to her backstory.

All we really know about Barbie is that her real name is Barbara Millicent Roberts, she dates a guy named Ken, she's held every job imaginable and she has a fantastic figure! (Ok...some of us may also know that her parents are George and Margaret Roberts of Willow, Wisconsin and she attended Willows High School.) But that's it! How do you hang a 90 minute motion picture on that tiny of a backstory?

Here's how my version of the movie would go:

• In the movie, Barbie needs to hold at least 25 different jobs all at the same time. In the opening of my movie, Barbie would be performing a delicate operation as chief surgeon at Malibu General Hospital. After the procedure is done, and Barbie has saved the patient's life, Barbie trades her surgical scrubs for a bikini and hits the beach with her friends for a totally bitchin' beach party!
• The song Barbie Girl by Danish-Norwegian supergroup Aqua must be featured prominently in the film, preferably under the opening credits. I know Mattel had some problems with a few of the lyrics of this song and I don't see any reason why they can't go back and clean up the lyrics "Kidz Bop" style - but the song needs to be in the movie!
• The "Malibu Dream House" needs to be somewhere in the movie. It's the number one Barbie toy that everyone knows. The house's elevator must also be used in the film.
• In my original conception of the movie, Barbie was to be played by actress Brooke Theiss - best known for her role as Wendy Lubbock on the short lived sitcom Just the Ten of Us. That was quite sometime ago when I fake-casted her, she's 39 now. She's still attractive, but probably a little too old to play Barbie. I've read that Taylor Swift was being considered as well as Sara Paxton, those are both good choices. Myself, I would probably hold a nationwide audition looking for the perfect unknown actress. I'd picture the publicity tour involving a large pink bus.
• Somewhere in movie, Barbie needs to go to the moon. One of the many jobs she's had was that of astronaut, and that's a pretty cool job to have for someone who has also worked at McDonald's!
• The Barbie Movie does NOT need to have any bad guys in it or any plot where Barbie has to save the world. That would be missing the whole point of Barbie.
• The Barbie Movie should be rated G and should not feature anything the slightest bit inappropriate for a 4 year-old girl to see. Every girl in the world is going to want to see this movie and every parent should feel completely comfortable taking their kids to see it.
• Every single item of clothing, vehicle driven and building entered should (and will) be available as a cheap, crappy plastic toy! Because that's the American way!