I Hate Owls

Bob-Howdy, I hate owls! They are on a list with bats, eagles, and koalas as members of the animal kingdom that I could do without! They are too big to be birds, they don't have necks and they are evil!

The other night my wife and I came home after visiting with some friends. It was about one o'clock in the morning. When we got out of the car, among the various creepy sounds of the night we could distinctly hear the "Hoot-Hoot" of an owl. Freaked out, I quickly surveyed the surrounding area. Perched on a telephone wire that borders our property I spotted a shadowy figure about the size of a bobcat. "That must be an owl...up there," I said as I pointed out the unidentified silhouette to my wife. We kept our eye on the telephone wires as we made out way to the front door. Suddenly the animal let out an attack call and spread it's wings.

My wife and I turned into Hanna-Barbera characters as we jumped in the air, revved our feet and then shot towards the front door of our home in lightning speed. It was obvious at this point, the animal on the telephone wire was indeed an owl...An evil, nasty owl out for blood. As the owl spread it's wings and began to flap, we could feel the warm summer air sweep past our necks as the bird took flight. I fumbled for the house key while the owl swooped from his perch and headed towards a forest of trees across the street. We breathed a sigh of relief.

At that point the owl sensed that our guard was down, he made a 180 degree turn in the air and began to sail straight towards us. I couldn't get the key in the door quick enough! The owl plunged right at us. Jennifer and I ducked for cover but it was no use. The owl grabbed my wife's purse with his razor sharp talons and ripped it away from her. Taking to the night sky once again, the owl let out a mocking screech as it flew over the neighborhood dumping the contents of Jennifer's purse all over the neighboring lawns. We made it inside our house, slamming the door behind us thankful that we both survived without any physical harm.

The next morning we went outside to gather what we could from Jen's purse. We relayed the story of the brutal owl attack to our neighbors as we collected Jen's belongings from their property. One of the neighbors was outraged that such a violent attack could happen on our street. He gathered a few of the other neighbors along with some torches and pitchforks and they made their way into the forest to hunt down the blood thirsty owl. I stayed with Jennifer to make sure we found everything we could from her purse. In the end, all that was missing was a roll of Mentos, a nail file, and a couple of credit cards.

The following week when the credit card bill came there were fraudulent charges on the statement. Among them a $175 bar tab at Hooters, a charge at wale-Mart for $84 worth of Tootsie Roll pops, and a charge for $1,700 at Graduations.com for gowns and mortarboards.

At least...that's kind of how it all happened...?!