Finally, One Of My Kids Toys Is A Safety Hazzard

If you ever take the time to look, you'll notice that toy companies recall an awful lot of their own products. Every time I see that something we have is recalled, further investigation reveals we don't have one of the affected products. Which I realize is good news, but honestly the prospect of getting a new version of one of our toys for free just sounds too good to pass up. During the big lead paint scare a few years ago we had several items that appeared on the list. But after checking teeny tiny production codes on the bottom of toys, it turned out only a little Thomas The Tank Engine train was recalled. The kids were past their Thomas stages, so I just threw the very unuseful engine in the trash. A while back I noticed that some Big Wheels were recalled including a Go Diego Go bike. I dug our bike out of the garage and checked it against the instructions on the company's website and sure enough - our Diego bike (along with several Barbie and Dora bikes) has caused some genital bleeding for a few unfortunate children. It turns out that a little pretend ignition key near the handle bars sticks out a little too much causing some discomfort for children who bounce forward from their seat. ...And by discomfort I mean Genital Bleeding!

Genital bleeding?! That's way more exciting than boring ol' lead paint from China. Better yet, unlike every other recall - Mattel wasn't asking for proof that you had the bike. If you requested the Safety Recall Repair Kit they'd send it to you at no charge! Oh, we're in!

A few weeks later a box urgently marked Safety Recall Notice appeared in our mailbox. The contents of the box were a few slips of paper instructing you how to repair your genital snagging bike (in English and Spanish - Thank you Diego!) and a replacement for the offending key. The box was big enough to ship two Homicide: Life on The Streets Complete Series DVD sets, yet they could have gotten away with shipping a small padded envelope.

The blue key pictured above is the older key that needed to be replaced. It's approximately one inch longer than the new grey key they shipped. The new key is a neutral color, I suppose so it could also go onto Barbie or Dora's bike which I would also assume are either pink or purple. It seems like alot of time and money went into correcting this issue. Perhaps it would have been easier for Mattel to just issue a statement recommending the bike not be enjoyed by well-endowed children.

Here's Tanner enjoying all the fun of turning the new grey key on his Go Diego Go bike while traversing the countryside confident in the security and comfort of knowing that his genitals are free from risk of internal injury. Go Diego Go!

Hey Kids, Hurricane!

It's been a while since we've talked coin-op fun. We stumbled upon a machine this weekend that really takes the cake. It first I thought it was one of those machines they have at the grand opening of car dealerships where you step inside and the money blows all around and you try to grab as much as you can in 30 seconds. But nope, It's a 78 MPH Hurricane Simulator. This kind of thing wouldn't be so odd if it were at a science center or maybe even some sort of Family Entertainment Center (like a go-cart track) but this thing was just sitting right in the middle of a mall!?! It's just sitting there, with no sign or instructions or anything...just a bill collector slot and a sticker that reads "$2".

Hurricanes kill people, uproot homes, destroy lives and property...even one of the darkest moments in recent American history involves a hurricane...and someone somewhere decided that it would be the perfect basis for an arcade ride!?! Bizarre! Maybe soon in malls all across the country kids will stop begging Mommy and Daddy for loose change to ride Elmo's Helicopter or a race car and instead will ask for some cold hard cash to ride the 78 MPH winds of terror.

My guinea pig...I mean, stepson Joey was more than happy to step into the machine and give it a try. He thought it was kind of cool but also kind of lame at the same time. As soon as he stepped into the machine, a rather large crowd (for such an uncrowded mall) gathered around to witness Joey's personal Storm of the Century. The machine went on to make four more bucks in the next few minutes. I wasn't able to get my cell phone video up on the blog here, but here's a link to the video of Joey in the Hurricane Simulator at the mall. Enjoy!

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Might As Well Call It "Not Down"

There's always some DVD sitting on the shelf trying to ride off the promotional blitz of a big budget theatrical film. This one kind of takes the cake! In case you can't wait 4 or 5 months for Pixar's Up to come to DVD you can grab a copy of What's Up: Balloon To The Rescue! I wonder if it's better than The Jungle King, A Cars Life or A Bug's Tale? When I worked at a preschool in the mid-90's we watched one of these crappy video knock-offs of Pocahontas. It was quite possibly the worst cartoon I've ever seen!

Five Villans Who Need To Make A Comeback

Times are tough for everybody. Not just us decent hardworking Americans, but the bad guys of the world are feeling the pinch too! I don't know what any of this means but here's another random list of mine...Five bad guys who I'd like to see get back to work:



1) Hordak Everyone remembers Skeletor, but ya never hear anyone evoke the name of Hordak. Hordak was so bad even Skeletor didn't like him. When Hordak wasn't being a pain in Skeletor's side, he was busy trying to enslave She-Ra and the citizens of Etheria. Well, who knows how that all turned out for him but he needs to get some new PR people! I mean, Frank Langella played Skeletor in the 1987 Masters of the Universe and now he's getting critical acclaim for his role in Frost/Nixon...and no one has yet to even play Hordak in a live action film! Let's get on the ball there, Hordak! Stop trying to find Loo-Kee and let's get back to doing that voodo that you do so well!





2) Oil Can Harry Where the heck has good ol' Oil Can Harry been? Well, a quick search on the internet might lead you to believe he opened up a male strip joint in Austin, TX...but I'm hoping that's another fella with the same name. Back in the day, Mighty Mouse was part of our steady diet of before and after school cartoons, and Oil Can Harry was always right there trying to get one over on little Mighty Mouse. Seriously, the kids today with their MTV, iPhones, and sneakers with wheels in them...they don't even know who Mighty Mouse is. Oil Can Harry's been slacking and needs to start making some more giant cat robots or giant pieces of cheese that he hides in and get back to giving Mighty Mouse a run for the ol' opera singing money!



3) Lt. Mauser While other kids my age were soaking in the Star Wars or Indiana Jones films, I was watching and rewatching all of the Police Academy films. There's a special place in my heart for all six of the original films (not the 7th, direct-to-video one). Lt. Mauser was the bad guy in films 2 and 3. All the other films had Lt. Harris as the meanie. I've got nothing against Harris, but how about a little love for Mauser! For crying out loud people, they switched his shampoo with Super Glue and his hands got stuck on his head! If they make another Police Academy film...and oh, for the love of all that is good and delicious in this world - they should, let's see if we can squeeze a little Lt. Mauser into the picture, eh?




4) The Hamburglar Seriously folks, there's nothing more scary than a dude who steals hamburgers!

5) Brain Gremlins is one of my favorite movies. (Have I ever mentioned that before!?) When the sequel, Gremlins 2: The New Batch, came out six years after the original who would have thought it would be just as awesome as the original. While cute little Gizmo stole the show in the first film, it was the mega-smart mutated gremlin Brain that stole the second show. Voiced by the late Tony Randal, Brain led the troupe of mutant gremlins on a New York City rampage that resulted in the death of Leonard Maltin and a giant all-Gremlin musical number. As Mr. Futterman as my witness, if any film franchise deserves another go-round....you can keep Star Trek, Ghostbusters, and all the Superheroes in the world....What the world needs now is Gremlins 3. `Nuf said!

Alec Baldwin Should Be In Every Sequel

O.K, here me out on this one...Alec Baldwin should be in every movie sequel. Well, not every sequel, but at least one instalment of any movie franchise.

I used to think Alec Baldwin was a tool. Then when he started taking supporting roles instead of only the leading role, I started to appreciate his performances. I enjoyed some of his earlier movies like The Edge and Ghosts of Mississippi. Heck, I even co-stared with him in Thomas and the Magic Railroad. (O.K, I didn't exactly co-star. I was an extra, and you can't even see me in the finished film!) I really started to like Alec Baldwin when he voiced the bad guy Leonardo Leonardo in the ultra-short lived animated series Clerks and when he hosted Saturday Night Live many times. My true appreciation for Mr. Baldwin blossomed when I caught his supporting role in the big screen adaption of Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat. Since then I've enjoyed him a number of projects that he's taken on and of course was thrilled when he signed on to do Tina Fey's 30 Rock.

So here's the facts: Alec Baldwin has been in show business for nearly three decades. He can play heavy roles and he's got flawless comic timing! His most recent movie credit is when he was added to cast of Madagascar 2. I fell asleep trying to watch the original Madagascar three times, but was bright eyed and bushy tailed (do people still use that expression?) for Madagascar now with added Baldwin! He's got class, he's got charm...and I bet he works fairly cheap! That's why every film that goes on to produce sequels should find a role for America's treasure: Alec Baldwin.

If you're on your third or fourth movie...add him in now. If it's a first sequel, a #2 if you will, then Alec Baldwin should be on your casting list! Think about it. How great of a bad guy would Alec Baldwin make for Batman? Hey, he'd even make a great Batman! And you know Alec Baldwin as a pirate would be awesome! He'd give Johnny Depp a run for his money! New Harry Potter teacher? Alec Baldwin. Classy Bond villain? Alec Baldwin. New toy in Andy's bedroom for Toy Story 3? No doubt, the voice of Alec Baldwin.

How freakin' cool would Alec Baldwin look in a Jedi robe wielding a lightsaber? If you put Alec Baldwin in a boat and gave him a big fishing rod I'm sure he could take care of Jaws once and for all. He'd be awesome in the next Transformers movie. I bet he could even out-sass Madea!

Do you see what I mean! Every film franchise could use a hand from good ol' Alec Baldwin. I think it's Hollywood's only chance to help sagging box office receipts!