Mr. Ed's Barn of Thought: I Got Your Trick or Treats! - 11/2/94

Here's the Halloween edition of a humorous column I wrote for the school newspaper back in my college days. This article appeared in the November 2, 1994 edition of Red & Black - the student newspaper of Catonsville Community College in Baltimore, MD. Some of the jokes and references are a bit outdated, but I guess that's what happens when you rerun a 12 year old newspaper article.

This year at at my house for Halloween we had two piles of stuff for trick or treaters. One pile was candy bars, which most kids got, and the other was 24k gold bullion for any kid not dressed up as a Power Ranger. Is it me, or was every other kid a Power Ranger?

And of course there was that one kid whose parents took the cheap way out by dressing him in an all red sweat suit, sunglasses, and a motorcycle helmet. That's the same kid who every other year is a ghost.

What's with the ghost costume anyway? Could you possibly be a little less creative with that thing?

Yes, another Halloween has come and gone, and what did we learn from it? That those Power Rangers are a bunch of rich SOB's, and that there is nothing more fun that putting on disguises and asking total strangers for food.

I use the word "food" and not "candy" because every trick or treat route has at least six or seven houses that give out raisins, peanuts, or apples. The apple of course came from the one couple on your street with no kids who decided they had something better to do than sit home and meet the neighbors, so they leave a giant tub of apples bobbing in water. An apple is still better that a pencil! Would you tell me what the hell a kid is supposed to do with a plain, yellow, No. 2 pencil? Stationary supplies are no substitute for a box of Milk Duds, even the 3 count size.

Each Halloween sees its share of trends. This year of course they are the Power Rangers, the Lion King, and O.J. Simpson. Then you have your long running favorites, G.I. Joe, Ninja Turtles, and Star Trek characters. And the classics, cowboy, witch, clown, etc. And then at the bottom of the costume hierarchy is the ghost, along with that one kid who has aluminum foil around a baseball bat and can't get over the fact that Star Wars was filmed about 20 years ago.

The costumes that always drove me nuts are the ones that are bought "off the rack" at finer discount stores everywhere. You know the ones I'm talking about, the costumes hanging on cardboard hangers alongside 15 thousand other ones. The thing that irritated me about these costumes wasn't the fact that they ripped at the seams halfway through the Halloween party at school that day, but that the costumes were just a jumper with a picture of whoever it was supposed to be on it. I assure you Fred Flintstone never wore a shirt that had his picture on it, yet alone the words "Yabba-Dabba-Doo!" (tm).

Home come some parents could just never spring the 79 cents for the official trick or treat bag? The bag with the Haunted House on the side and a jack o'lantern on the other. They were always sold at the checkout counter of People Drug...oops, I mean CVS!?

But, when all is said and done, Halloween is a special time of year. It brings together a community, kind of the same way a disgruntled postal employee does. (What does that mean?)